I’ve been watching clips of Parade’s End today and I do not know whether I ought to commit myself to watching the first episode. I know it shouldn’t be a war in the Middle East type of decision but for me and knowing the way my mind might take to the series, particularly because a certain Mr. Cumberbatch is starring in it, it is a question of whether I am willing to replace my current obsession with Sherlock with Parade’s End.
Believe me, I know how ridiculous and melodramatic it sounds when I say that the decisions I take to watch a new series or movie have the potential to run my life for the next few weeks, months or years, but it is the genuine truth. The characters I allow to place roots in my mind never leave. They may take a backseat or go on holiday but they never leave. It is painful and at the moment, my mind is running at 110% with all the people that are trying to gain control of it.
Winning at the moment are Sherlock and Mycroft Holmes. They’re even managing to keep the indomitable Lucrezia Borgia at bay and she has had dominion for about six months. It was a bit of a coup d’etat on the part of the Holmes brothers as it took a lot out of me to be Lucrezia Borgia. Feeling as her was too hard, too much heartache and unrequited love for me to manage. It was almost as if I was longing for someone to take over and then I was introduced to Sherlock which did the job adequately enough.
Even now as I am writing, I can see them sitting across from me in my mind’s eye and they’re watching me with worried, unquiet expressions and my chest is becoming constricted and my heart is trying to escape from my body. Now, Sherlock is holding my hand and telling me it’s all going to be just fine and to calm down because people love me. Of course, none of the people he means – he means Tyrion Lannister, Sansa Stark, Cesare Borgia etc. – are real but they are still my family and I need them just as much, if not more, than my blood-family.
I know it must be hard to take me seriously after reading all of this but it helps that I can just say this stuff honestly and without fear of judgment on this blog and it was John Watson who convinced me to start this blog in the first place.
Sleeping alone never helps. That is the ultimate cause and if my social anxiety and mythomania would let me stomach and keep another person in my life, I might not have such a problem with imagined, delusional families of fictional characters that I need in order to survive.